Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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