maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
