I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
