So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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