If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
