i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
