Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
