I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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