Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
