A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
