Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize