I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
