Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
