I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
