i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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