It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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