Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
