Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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