I wanna bring you to show and tell
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
