the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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