Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
