If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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