dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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