I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
