She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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