Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
