Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
