A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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