is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
