Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
