is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
