I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
