Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
