We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
