Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
