There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
