We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
