Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
