Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize