So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
