The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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