There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
