it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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