You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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