she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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