i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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