Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize