he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
