I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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