Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
