I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
