My Higher Power is John Stamos
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
