1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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