I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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