She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
