Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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