I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
